Old Kathleen

The American Bar Journal published an article today that highlights the staggering addiction, depression and suicide rates among attorneys in this country. Having been an attorney and in the company of attorneys for over 15 years, I know that we tend to laugh about our profession a lot, poke fun at it, and even complain good naturedly about the attorneys we don’t like. One soon-to-be attorney posted a comment on this article: “Ha ha ha. I read this. It didn’t even faze me.” I’m assuming this upcoming grad has a job lined up in spite of the terrible hit that the legal profession is taking right now, with daily layoffs and hiring freezes.

But it should faze us all. And it’s not just something we can blame on the stress of the economy today. Everyone is dealing with that, and few people will shed tears for the profession as a whole, especially the well-healed among us (“Partner profits at Cravath, Swaine & Moore plummeted 24 percent in 2008, dropping to $2.5 million per partner”). I can here the collective “boo hoo” from cyberspace . . .

No, there is a reason why attorneys are so susceptible to darkness. In the ABA article, experts detail why this is so. “Lawyers are taught to aim for perfection, to be aggressive and to be emotionally detached. They `intellectualize, rationalize and displace problems on others’ . . . .`They don't take direction particularly well. They tend to have fairly elaborate denial mechanisms. And they tend to challenge anything they're being told.’”

Ouch. Sounds like someone I know. It might be more accurate to say it sounds like someone I knew, and that someone shows up now and again when I don’t want her to. To protect her anonymity, let’s call her “Old Kathleen.”

Old Kathleen constantly questioned why no one could do a job the way she thought it should be done, why people couldn't live up to her expectations, and perhaps most often, why everything happened to her. Everything bad, that is. It was all about her, and she resented the fact that the universe pelleted her with other people's laziness, incompetence and misunderstanding.

Old Kathleen was apparently the prototype personality studied for this article.

But, what changed for Old Kathleen? Hard to say. For the first time in her life, other people were dependent on her (children), and new people came into her life (friends who had faith in God). And one day, Somebody drove her car to church, although she was actually behind the wheel. And there, Old Kathleen heard a message that melted her anger and resentment and, yes, hate. It was a message of forgiveness and hope. Now, Old Kathleen was mad at God, it turns out, and really mad at the church of her childhood, the Catholic Church. Yet there she sat in a different Catholic church, and it wasn't even a pretty church. Yet melting occurred.

She can't explain why. And that's not really the critical point. The point is, melting occurred.

And, over time, more than just melting occurred. Accepting responsibility for her own flaws and mistakes occurred too--expressing sorrow for selfish behavior and cutting words, seeking forgiveness. Hopefully, this trend will continue in her life.

The funny thing is, we live in such an outwardly comfortable, affluent community, you wouldn’t think there were lots of Old Kathleens out there. But there are. Is your spouse one? Your neighbor?

Are you one?

If so, come visit New(ish) Kathleen on Sunday. You can come at 9 am, 10:30 am, 12 noon, 4 pm or 5:30 pm. Directions are posted here.

In the words of the band Switchfoot, this is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Who moved the backstroke flags?!

We all deal with aging bodies. Each and every day our bodies grow older. That’s a good thing when we are young, a tolerable thing when we are in our 20s and 30s, and, let’s face it, a much harder pill to swallow from the 40s onward.

I used to be a competitive swimmer, and I completely took my good health for granted in those days. I even abused my good health by not properly nourishing my body and subjecting it to crazy, even harmful, exercise regimens. Like most people, I wish I had that body back now so I could appreciate it. Don’t get me wrong—I’m very blessed to have good health, and it feels shallow to wish for a body and physical abilities I used to have when so many out there are dealing with real health crises. But, hey, I’m shallow. We all are, to some degree.

I recently returned to the pool, and one of the first things I said was, “someone moved the backstroke flags!” For you non-swimmers, those are the thin, ribbon-like flags that hang across each end of the pool, about 10 feet from the wall (the same things you see hanging at used car dealerships!) They're for people swimming backstroke, so they can count their strokes to the wall and know when to turn. Anyway, I became convinced they had been moved further from the wall by the Swimming Powers that Be, some secret rule change made by the Olympic Committee when I wasn’t paying attention.

No so. It took me a few weeks to realize that I was swimming slower and taking more strokes into the wall, because I was, well, not 20 anymore. The flags hadn’t changed. I had. That really depressed me. I was slower, more out of shape (and, need I say, in a much larger swimsuit) than the old days. I was aging. Gulp.

Why do we fret over these things? Christ tells us not to.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?

Mt 6:25-27.

When I taught 5th grade students at church, I always used this passage, having the kids make door hangers with these verses imprinted on them (one side said “Keep Out!” and the other had the passage on it). But this Scripture passage is relevant for the 5th grader and the 40 year old alike. Why do we worry over these changes in life, these “as sure as I’m standin’ here” changes that are going to happen to us, no matter how we live our lives? And it is not just that we are shallow (although that's part of it, for me)--it's that we worry. We worry about being older. It means we are closer to . . . you know. The word we don't like to say. Our time here is limited, and we don't like reminders of the fleeting nature of that time.

But we need to remember the fleeting nature of the time we have, so we use it as we are supposed to, as God wants us to. These reminders are good for us, even if they don't feel good.

The next time I take 6 strokes into the wall while swimming backstroke, instead of the old 4, I hope I remember to ask myself, “Can you add a single moment to your life-span by worrying?” More importantly, I pray I remember the answer Christ gives us.

Stupid Human Tricks

“Do you not yet understand or comprehend? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes and not see, ears and not hear?”

Mk 8:17-18.

I was reading Mark’s Gospel, chapter 8, this afternoon. In it, the disciples (almost immediately after having witnessed Christ’s miracle of the multiplying the loaves) doubt how they will feed themselves on just one loaf of bread as they enter a region called Dalmanutha. Literally, this doubt comes right after they have witnessed Christ feed many on very little. When I read this, the first thought was, “how can they have been such dolts?”

Yet I do the same thing: when I judge people based on superficial information, only to find out there is a much deeper component to them and their actions; when I can’t see my way out of my problems through my own solutions; when I meet someone who seems “hopeless” in faith and I mentally write them off. In all of these situations, I forget God, the ready resource just waiting to be remembered. When I finally realize what I have done, I feel foolish, probably something like the disciples felt when Christ confronts them about their hard hearts. Why do I have eyes if I don’t use them, and ears if I won’t listen? At least I can take small comfort in being in good company—it’s clear that even the disciples were hardheads at times as well.

Yet Christ was infinitely patient with these disciples, as he is with us. He was firm in his reminders that they needed to move past their doubt and towards belief, but mercy and love were always there as well. When it finally dawns on me that I am relying on my own, inadequate, human abilities instead of turning to the infinite power of Christ, I feel like I’ve been given a firm reminder too. But then I also feel the mercy and love of Christ as I turn toward him for help.

For me, and probably for the disciples in this instance, it comes back to forgetting (perhaps even doubting?) the power of Christ. The disciples had a very clear human issue—one loaf of bread and many to feed. Their doubt clouded their experience of miracles in Christ’s presence. My human issues cloud the truth for me too. Again and again, I end up trying to fix a situation through human effort alone. And that equals frustration and failure. When God reminds me to soften my heart to his power, then solutions reveal themselves.

Friendly Advice: "Don't Work for a Church, and Color your Hair."

Most of my life, I have been very self sufficient, and my family has recognized that and even fostered it. I decided which sports I would play as a child. I chose my other activities, like drama, and shunned activities foisted upon me that didn’t fit my personality, like Girl Scouts. I picked my college by myself, with little input from the adults in my life. I chose my profession on my own without suggestions from others.

As an adult, this self sufficiency carried over. My co-workers and acquaintances really never gave me unsolicited advice. Perhaps hitting 40 means that all changes, because since that time, I have been fielding “friendly” advice about two completely unrelated topics. This advice has come from friends, co-workers and family. I won’t single anyone out, but suffice it to say that people who let me make life changing decisions on my own are now quite vocal in their opinions about two changes—one seemingly insignificant and one surely not—in my life.

First, people have felt free to advise me that it would be “best,” or “more professional,” or “sleeker,” to start coloring my hair. Why? Because I am going gray. Pretty quickly too, or at least it seems that way to me. When I remark that I think I’ll try to let it go gray on its own, people look at me like I have two heads. Now, I have to admit, I’m not committed to this going gray thing, and I might change my mind. But the truth is, I’m kind of lazy about certain things, and I don’t see myself keeping up with any hair routine that involves more than the occasional cut. I’m not good about weeding my garden either.

But it is not simply the mundane issues in my life that have garnered advice. I recently left the full time practice of law to begin a new chapter—I joined the staff of the Church of the Nativity (http://www.churchnativity.org/), an amazing (christian, catholic) church, on a part-time basis. I had been practicing law for 15 years, almost to the day, when I join the Nativity staff in January, 2009. When I decided to make this change, I was very excited and also very nervous. When I first told the important people in my life about this change, they were excited and congratulatory. That hasn’t completely changed, but some have now started to express a level of dismay about this career addition. Some of my law colleagues simply think it is not going work because they can’t imagine I can survive without my work email and Blackberry messages for more than a few hours. Some family members are worried about my ability to pay my mortgage. But one piece of recent advice, if you want to call it that, really stuck in my head: “Why do you want to work for a church? Things happen there!”

With emphasis on the word “things.”

The speaker of this comment clearly meant it in a negative way. Knowing this person as I do, I think she was referring to the fact that her involvement in church had not always been positive. She had ideas that she thought should be adopted and they weren’t. People who had ideas she didn’t agree with were more successful in moving their “agenda” ahead. In her mind, when you get too involved in church, negative “things” result.

It is true that you never know what is going to happen, on a human level, from year to year in a church. People come and go, and you might disagree with those who come and miss those who go. You might find that peeking behind the gilded curtain of the church reveals that the people working in ministry actually have warts and flaws like everyone else, and maybe, if we are honest, we really don’t want to know that. We want to think they are holier than us and that is why they are selected to lead in faith.

But, of course, that’s not true. Peter had warts and flaws (take a look at Matthew 14:22-31 and Matthew 26:35, 69-75), and yet he was the rock upon which the Church was built. God doesn’t choose the Holier than Thou to lead; he chooses the Flawed but Willing. And sometimes he works on the unwilling. I haven’t always been willing to serve. When I was returning to the Church about 7 years ago, I purposely targeted larger congregations so that I could hide and not be noticed or called upon to do anything. That worked out well. God likes irony, I think.

But in all seriousness, it is my prayer that I will be of great service at Nativity and beyond. Flawed (and continually graying) though I am, I already know that great changes have happened here and will continue. In that respect, my advisor was correct.

Things happen here.

Crazy Life Change

My first blog--I never thought I would see the day.

This will serve only as a quick introduction. Who am I? Well, it might be more appropriate to start with who I was. I am a "former" lots of things. A former student, a former athlete, a former climber of the career ladder. I'm a current mom, wife, lay minister at The Church of the Nativity, where I am also the director of membership, and part-time attorney. 2009 has brought a lot of changes--some good, like a career change and more time with my family; some not so good, like the realization that your body doesn't stay 20 even if you think your mind does.

In January, I joined the staff at the Church of Nativity in Timonium, a cool, orthodox, creative and challenging Catholic parish. Check it out at www.churchnativity.org/. One of my many challenges there will be to head up Nativity's membership and continue outreach to the many lapsed Catholics peppering the North Baltimore landscape, as well as others who are looking for a faith home.

I also left the full time practice of law in January, and that's gone fairly well so far. The variety in my life has helped me be a better attorney, I think. Only time will tell.

I'm constantly in awe of what God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me. If you would have told me ten years ago I would be an active Christian looking at ways to bring others to Christ, I would have written you off for a fool. Kathleen Leslie, the token agnostic in every class, at every gathering, in every group? One of those "Jesus People?" No way.

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Stay tuned.