Angry Much?

As Nativity wraps up its series called Sfumato, which is all about the tie between our spiritual health and our emotional health, I am fielding many emotions-anger and self-pity high among them. 

That got your attention, right?

Let's back up: this series has focused on how we cannot view our emotions in a spiritual vacuum. The way we handle our emotions and how they play out in public are directly tied to our spiritual life. I've been on board with this concept; I believe it is true. And I've been contently listening to the series, understanding that, while I don't have it all together, I'm pretty well off in this department.

Or so I thought. And then...the bomb dropped. In a nutshell, I found out on Saturday that  I owe a huge tax sum to the IRS as a result of being a partner in a law firm. I won't bore you with the details (as if I could even explain them) but suffice to say that money I never saw was technically a "profit" to me in 2009. Which means it is income. Which means I have to pay self-employment tax on this amount. Which means I'm in trouble.

Not real trouble, mind you. I believe in paying my taxes, and after I check with the accountant who I suspect will tell me I have to pay it, then I will (gulp) pay it.

Here's the emotions part. I am so angry and feel like there is no justice. I've worked pretty hard over the past 6 months to run a tight financial ship, and I was happy with the results. I've never been one to complain about having to pay taxes. So something in me felt as if it was totally unfair that I have to deal with this.

But, as they say, facts are facts. It appears this is simply a complex business issue that requires me to pay taxes I didn't count on. Knowing that is probably the case, what was my reaction?

Intense worry. Immediate anger and contempt. Enormous self-pity. 

And . . . I didn't pray about it for a long time that day.  I simply kept trying to figure out a way that I could extricate myself from this situation, on my own.  I can tell you that when I finally did pray on Friday, I prayed a lot of "why me????" prayers. Actually, I guess you could call them more "loud statements" to God than prayers.

It wasn't until after I'd made all the calls that I could make, reviewed all the records that I could review, and (probably most significantly) dumped this on my husband who grounded me in healthy emotions and faith more than I could at the time, that I accepted the very unsettling fact that there was nothing more I could do about it on Saturday afternoon. Nothing.

I hate that feeling, that powerless feeling that you simply have to deal with your emotions rather than force them into nonexistence, magically. That's a speciality of mine over the years-trying to make emotions disappear, harboring under the consistent fantasy that I actually have that power.  So, needless to say, I didn't handle this news well, emotionally or spiritually. 

It made me realize that it is fairly easy to feel like you have it together when your emotions aren't terribly threatened. Yes, I've been angry at my children and irritated at my spouse over the past month, as they surely have been with me in return. Those are real emotions, but it is not until something bigger than the every day stresses of life hits you that you are really tested in your emotional health.

The benefit (and yes, I really do believe there is one in all of this) may well be that I now realize this: you can't stop working on your emotional health when you finally have your everyday emotions in check and they are in tune with your usual Sunday spiritual experience. In fact, there appears to be no "graduation day" from Emotional and Spiritual Health 101.

I'd like to close by saying that I now rejoice in God giving me the gift a big, unexpected tax bill that will make me grow spiritually and emotionally. But I can't, because I still wish this didn't happen at all.  

And yet, in a strange way, it is comforting to know that there is no graduation day for me, at least not on this side of heaven. It will keep me from being so disappointed the next time I think I've aced the "God" exam only to find out that I need another tutoring session.

Last, I am thankful that God listens to me in my yelling, and that he can take it when I can't.