At dinner on school nights, I ask my daughters what was the best part of their day and what was the worst part of their day. It usually sparks some conversation (the best part is often lunch, the worst some classwork or test).
It is a useful exercise to do myself. Today the best part of my day was taking my youngest daughter and my nephew to dinner and cute kid movie, and listening to them giggle in the car; they can be so silly together. The worst part was realizing there were some areas in my life where I have not led as well as I could.
This exercise is useful because it prompts me to be thankful to God for good things, like sweet moments with dear children. But it is probably most useful when I use the worst part of the day as a learning tool. Whatever the worst part was, I need to ask myself why it happened. Sure, sometimes the worst part is out of my control, like waiting in a line at a store. But often the worst part is not only in my control, the fact that it happened is my doing.
This exercise is helpful only if I am forgiving with myself, as my heavenly Father is with me. If it becomes a tool to berate myself, it’s harmful. We all know behavior doesn’t change by self-loathing. It comes, ever so slowly, by recognizing what we have done or said--owning it, and as dispassionately as possible, discerning why we did it or said it (or failed to do or say something we should have).
I’m trying to do this more. It is hard. It is much more comfortable to simply get angry with myself for being so darned flawed. But if the goal is to be a better person (and I think that is at least a goal of any Christ follower), then, being success-driven, it only makes sense to take the course that might actually lead to a change of behavior, and hopefully a change of heart too.
It’s a long road, and today I feel like I’m in the driveway. But luckily there is someone who loves me more than I love me, and who forgives me even when I struggle to forgive myself.
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