Surprise!

I hate surprises. I really do. In high school and college, I had no fewer than 10 surprise parties. It was as if my dread of the surprise party was directly proportional to the likelihood that I would be the beneficiary of such an event.

Soon I'll turn 43. I don't feel like that's old, but I don't feel like it's young either. I hate the expression "she's 80 years young!" What good is time-earned wisdom if we only wish for youth?

My best friend will turn 43 on the same day I will. We were born in the same town, on the same day, in the same year (different hospitals, though). I am a few hours older, so naturally I possess more time-earned wisdom than she does. She shares my dislike of surprises too.

And yet she was treated to one this summer. Cancer. 

A surprise like this one is of course not welcomed. It does test one's fortitude. It is testing hers and her family's. It is testing mine.

I've taken to controlling really small situations since I can't control The Big One. I have conquered the messy closets in my house. My earrings have lost their constant battle of separating from their mates, and are now relegated to one tidy container where they can't escape. Most impressively, however, is that I have defeated dust altogether. Dust doesn't stand a chance against me.

I wish I could say the same for cancer. Fortunately, smart professionals are well poised to fight that battle, along with my friend, one of the strongest people I've known even before this diagnosis. 

Certainly this is hardest for her, but when you can literally do nothing about it, the level of powerlessness is overwhelming. So I've been praying. Not as much as I should and not with a perfect heart about it either. I'm mad. I know God can take it, but I'm still mad about the pain that people are experiencing because of this.

And yet I can't forget what C.S. Lewis said about pain. "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

I sure wish he used a different method to rouse a deaf world. But he wants relationship with us. Even if we're yelling at him. 

Yelling at God is better than ignoring him.